Grateful at Fourteen!

Happy Monday my friends.

No doubt the events of the weekend placing attention on Ground Zero and the Pentagon were indeed gut wrenching and emotional. I had a few moments of my own. Today is my day of personal remembrance. I have a to do a double take when I type this. Humbly and gratefully, I had my last drink/drug of choice 14 years ago today. That was so long ago, Peyton Manning was still in college. Now it appears he may not play ever again. I'll address the sporty stuff in my next entry.

Knowing fully well I had to begin outpatient treatment in 72 hours from this day in 1997 I remember just going out and trying to get as hammered as I possibly could. 9/12/97 was on a Friday. Lord knows there were so many times when I was already at the finish line before I ever got started. The times I would eat heartily to pace myself and blackout...the days I ate nothing and caught little more than a cold...the days I couldn't string together...the moments of embarrassment and shame. There were many.

Up to this point in 1997 restaurant work and bartending were what I did the most and it was a fun profession. You're never alone! As I was making the rounds in downtown Seattle trying to get one good final buzz in me, something weird happened. I didn't! My mind began to race. Something all of you are used to seeing in these modern days.

'What next? What now? Can you do it? Can you quit ad stay quit? Do you want to live or die? Where, in this person, lies the madness? Why, in this person, lies the madness?' I won't recite the rest for fear of being termed a potty mouth.

Education is the teacher for someone with an addiction. Put a different way, when you have a physical craving with a mental obsession it matters not what your poison is. 1 is too many and 1,000 is not enough. You cannot fill a gaping hole. Lord knows I tried.

What I did come to grips with was another issue (one of many). Lack of Self-Esteem/Confidence played into this pattern of use and abuse. Much like a loud sporting event it was my hope to always have a loud ovational soundtrack playing in my head constantly. Even in quieter times to keep from having to think. This is a demon at work with what should be a normal thinking individual. Happy to say that soundtrack is lone gone. Replaced by the sound of angels humming :)

Nothing about a person with an addictive personality is normal. Many of you can have a drink, a snort, or a puff and just walk away. If that's you color yourself lucky. I didn't get that trump card. I decided to have sex with the gorilla. I wasn't done until the gorilla was done with me. Still hiding scars and yes I speak figuratively.

In 1997 I was told that less than 10% who quit drinking and drugging stay quit. I'm a numbers guys so that immediately caught my attention. That failure rate was worse than a bad day in baseball. Now I got mad and determined to do whatever it took to do what was right!

In July of 1997 I was popped for a DUI. Thankfully it was expunged upon successful completion of a 2 year program called 'deferred prosecution'. I said 'F U' to the lawyers and told the judge 'I'll handle this or throw my ass away for a while' Judge smiled and said, 'Go for it!' What was funny about that 7/14 night was that 24 years earlier I went to my first baseball game in OLD Yankee Stadium.

Mandatory drug tests, AA meetings, literature, books, and new hobbies to take the place of old ones. One of the toughest lessons for an addict to learn is that we all have some sort of cross to bear. Which led to another area of this recovery: Codependency and enabling. That, and an ability to have compassion and understanding for the problems of others.

That first year of sobriety was one of the toughest I ever dealt with. First you remove all of the trash within the bin, then you must deal with the smell of all those years of abuse. A good cleanser and a similar circle of people to mentor you as you go through many many triggers upon recovery. I still recall how emotional I got when I started to clean house and I'd find remnants that took me back to an earlier time.

As Maya Angelou likes to say, many tests were placed before me. Now 14 years later, I provide a form of testimony. To know that I quit drinking at the same age as Jesus Christ (33) was symbolic for me. I knew that if I went back to old behavior I wasn't long for this world.  That first year of sobriety I also had an experience that still haunts me to this day.

January 1998 I am now 4 months clean and sober. I was in my final year of bartending for a Union Shop in Seattle. I had a regular named Bill. Maybe in his mid 50's. Every day he came in and had his two drinks of vodka and tonic extra lime. That wasn't what caught my eye. What caught my eye was how his hands shook violently until he had the first three sips from the first drink! This January day he spoke.

'Willie, congrats on four months! I'm proud of you. Keep it up.'

'One day at a time Bill. Thanks. (Smiling)'

'You know what DT's are?'

'Yeah...the technical term is 'delirium tremens' and it usually ocurs in the final stages of an alcoholic in excessive usage.'

'Correct you are Willie! I have tried so hard to quit, but I can't...I sincerely hope that you...' His voice broke off as he began to get teary eyed and emotional. I knew what he was going to say. Sadly Bill died not long after. The end of that sentence was to be, "I hope you don't wind up like me'. Thankfully I didn't. Irony of ironies. After Bill's funeral his wife stopped drinking and last I heard she's still sober and doing fine!

As I look back on all that has transpired in the last 14 years suffice to say that some lessons came quicker than others. Combine this with a lone-wolf loner approach to life things tend to get a little more complicated than needed. I always wish I could be that person who always told me to 'Keep it simple'. Still can't.

In the same way 9-11-01 gave us so many reasons to never forget...this day also has the same mantra for me to abide by. 1 day at a time. It is true that you will trade one obsession for another. It's also true that you may be guilty of over analyzing over really unimportant stuff. I realize all of this and am taking the necessary steps to work around that.

My near 11 years in North Texas has been an amazing transformation. It took three years before trying to integrate into the South. Many, many people have been incredibly supportive on my behalf. For that I am grateful. 

When you can make peace with your past, and with the people who dealt with your bullshit, that's a miracle. When people enter your life and open a door to allow you to follow your dreams, that's a blessing. When you have people who will stand by you through thick and thin because of who you are and not what you represent, that's a blessing. When you have the unconditional support of parents and family who may not understand the madness but are happy you made the changes needed, that's a blessing!

When you can look into the mirror and just smile and accept who you are, what you're becoming, content THAT is a miracle. When you awaken in the morning in your own bed and remember everything you did in the last 24 hours-Miracle.

My friend Jillian informs me that now it's less than 5% of addicts who can stop and stay stopped. That's even scarier to know. One day at a time and no excuses for this old man of 47. It has been an amazing odyssey and journey and it shall continue...

My sincerest thanks for all of your well-wishes!

Over and out in Big D.

Mr. Will